feeling new

A story, a little over a year old: I’m sitting in front of the computer and IMing back and forth with my boyfriend before leaving for class. It’s been a couple of months since we’ve last seen each other; and while we both miss each other, I can tell the geographical separation is hitting him the hardest. This stomach-twistingly awkward conversation follows, roughly paraphrased:
Me: [insert crap about facebook here]

Boyfriend: I have a quick question that’s been nagging at me awhile. And you know, I don’t want to be That GuyTM, but you said that you want me to be honest with you no matter what. So.

Me, thankful that irritation and eye-rolling can’t be conveyed over the internet: What’s the question?

Boyfriend: Who is that guy who always posts on your facebook wall? He addressed you as ‘babe’ the other day on your wall, which made me raise my eyebrow a bit.

Me: He’s my friend. My flamingly gay friend.

Boyfriend: Ok! Well, that’s fine. I mean, now that I know.

Yeah. Now that he knew.

It’s hard to pinpoint a specific moment when I knew that I needed to break up with him; but ^that was a key turning point when I started to wonder whether it just might not work out. And it hurt because I felt so trapped – the relationship was too confining; but the thought of being alone was even more frightening1, so I stayed far too long.
But after breaking up with him, I quickly learned independence was way more fun than I thought it’d be, and I consciously avoided relationships for a long time, wary of being trapped again. But I’ve tried meaningless casual sex and it (usually) ended up boring me, so I’m done. For now. I think.

That’s not to say that I won’t have sex outside of a committed relationship ever again; but a romantic relationship of some sort is what I’m looking for now, even though I’m not sure what it’ll look like.

It’s exciting to consider all the forms my relationships might take; and I’m kind of all over the place – I could end up someone’s bizarre housewife. Or amass a harem of naked bisexual boys. Maybe I’ll even try monogamy again2.

At any rate, I think I’m finally ready to grow the fuck up.

1. Like I said, it was my first real relationship, so it was hard to let go. Plus, I had only just gotten used to the idea that people actually found me attractive – after over a dozen gloomy school years of being the only bespectacled, lisping brown kid with a weird name, you start to feel like a defective after awhile; so the sexual attention I received after leaving Nowhere, U.S.A for college in the city was kind of addicting and new.

2. In case you hadn’t figured it out, sex is incredibly important to me, and was the primary reason my first real relationship failed so massively – basically, the sex was absolutely terrible, and I constantly felt tempted to mess around on my ex because I was so unsatisfied. Plus, he was incredibly jealous and insecure, which made me feel even more resentful and confined. The relationship was my only serious, longterm experiment with monogamy, and I think it left me unduly biased. I’m not incredibly into polyamory in the way other people are – I’m not interested in maintaining multiple romantic relationships at once or anything; I just like having sex, and I often worry that if I were exclusive, I’d be caught in the same ‘bad sex’ trap all over again. But if I were in a sexually satisfying relationship with someone who wasn’t insanely insecure, I could probably make monogamy work. Probably.


~ by fistfulofsunshine on November 25, 2009.

One Response to “feeling new”

  1. […] original plan was to wait until I meet someone special before having sex again; and considering that my standards for […]

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