Pondering celibacy.

Well, not really. Just temporarily, I guess; and without all the somber religious undertones.

My first real relationship was only a few years ago; and since then, I’ve put up with lots of lackluster sex. Initially, I was completely willing to sacrifice my own desires just to stay in a stifling, unsatisfying relationship, telling myself that the shitty sexual chemistry between me and my ex was as unimportant as a squabble over which brand of air freshener to buy.  After I broke up with him, my standards slowly evolved to something somewhat fairer.

Somewhat. I don’t keep an official tally of orgasms during sex or anything; but if I have some encounter where the guy has an orgasm one-two-three-and maybe then four times and I don’t have one at all, I consider it a bad time. In theory, sexual parity1 is important to me; but in practice, I usually end up having sex that the boy enjoys a lot more than I do, which feels unfair to me.

After I have sex, if I end up yawning and thinking, “I might as well have just stayed home and masturbated, instead”, or if I feel I’ve just wasted 45 minutes of my life, that’s a problem. I don’t think anyone’s sex life should be that way; but unfortunately, that’s the disappointing direction mine is heading – with only a few rare exceptions, far too many of the casual sexual encounters I’ve had in the past few years have been noticeably inferior to, say, just lightly spraying my happy bits with the showerhead for 5 minutes. Basically, an unexciting waste of time; so I’ve decided to stop doing it2, since most of the guidelines I set up around casual sex result in unsatisfying encounters3.

I’m not sure when I’ll start having sex again – could be next week; could be next year. Honestly, it’s most likely to fall somewhere between these two time intervals, which might be a great way to kick off my New Year.

1. Rather, I’m irritated that so many people take male orgasms for granted but don’t do the same for women. In most het sex, it’s just sort of assumed that the boy is going to have an orgasm, and if he doesn’t, it’s A ProblemTM. Female orgasms aren’t treated the same way.

2. And by ‘it’, I mean sex with people I don’t know well enough to consider friends. For whatever reason, it usually turns out poorly. Maybe because they haven’t known me long enough to really explore my body; because unfamiliar people who don’t know my body well don’t care enough to try; or because of some combination of these two.

3. For instance, after awhile of having ‘ouch!’ encounters with penetration, I said, ‘Ok. I won’t fuck unless I have an orgasm first.’, which sounds great in theory; but in practice, it sometimes just means that I end up having some boring oral sex and nothing else.

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~ by fistfulofsunshine on November 18, 2009.

4 Responses to “Pondering celibacy.”

  1. this is probably going to sound stupid and partially mean, even though i of course don’t mean it to sound that way, and have no other way to say it:
    have you tried hanging out/making friends with these people first? i don’t know if that would be something normal/standard one does on fetlife, etc. but would probably help the sex!

    i’m sorry to hear about the bad sex. very sorry. i’m not having any, period, and won’t be able to ask out the brasilian girl until after next week..

  2. one more thing: has it been equally bad sex with womyn as with men?

  3. it’s not stupid or mean at all.
    i think I shied away from doing that in the past because it’d start to feel too much like a relationship; and I tended to associate relationships with being stifled.
    what would usually happen is this: I’d meet someone and be really turned on and want to have sex, then when we actually have sex, it’d be just..disappointing.

    Plus, I’m open to the fact that something might just be wrong with me, that i might be having boring sex because I keep picking the wrong people to have sex with. In that case, I should probably take a break.

    and since last april, i’ve only done anything with two girls (and one of them I already told you about), mostly because I don’t often come across women that I want to have sex with.

  4. I’m glad I’m not the only young person going through this

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