on my ‘sexual orientation’.

A few winters ago: I’m sitting with my friend G at the bus stop outside her apartment, waiting for the #6. It’s a very chilly day, so we’re both hunched over like old men, bundled in unflattering bubble coats. G starts furtively poking me in the side through the downy fabric, whispering, ‘Look..’ and cutting her eyes to the left.

I look in the direction she’s craning her neck, and see a gorgeous Latino boy waiting for a bus a few yards away from us. He’s lean and slender, with an angular, delicate face prettier than that of most girls I’ve seen. I immediately assume he’s gay, and I’m intrigued even more1. G and I discretely (or maybe not) ogle this lovely, elfin boy creature for another few minutes until the #6 pulls up. The boy boards the bus just after us, and there’s a problem with his bus card. His card isn’t scanning properly, but the bus driver isn’t bothered and lets him board the bus, anyway. So he turns and thanks her before taking a seat a few rows ahead of G and I. And G is shocked.

Thank you.

…in a voice that’s not at all deep; a voice that’s even higher-pitched than mine; a voice that anyone would hear and assume, ‘That’s a girl.’
And now, G isn’t so excited anymore. She’s mainly confused, and when this person who might or might not be a sexy gay boy2 gets off the bus, she tells me so. Apparently, when you’re attracted to someone you assume to be one gender, it’s totally confusing and frightening and throws off your entire sexual worldview when they turn out to (possibly) be another.

…but to be honest, I don’t understand this sentiment. Sure, everyone has valid preferences – if you don’t enjoy interacting with penises, for instance, you might be less sexually-drawn to someone upon learning that they have one. But why should that change your opinion that the person is attractive? They still look the same, so why be repulsed by something you found stunning a few moments ago? ..unless you’re afraid that admitting you find the person sexy would force you to re-evaluate your sexuality; and most people (especially straight people) don’t want to do that.

But I do. I enjoy pondering. I thought of myself as ‘straight(ish)’ until my second year in college, in the same lazy way that most kids identify themselves before thinking critically about their desires. Then after breaking up with my ex, I kept wondering: Why didn’t I ever enjoy sex with my ex? Why do I have such a hard time trusting and befriending straight men? Why are all of my close friends always girls? Why do female bodies keep popping up in my wank fantasies? Am I gay?
..and for a time, I identified as bisexual; then I (very briefly; it’s actually funny to consider now) even toyed with the possibility that I really might be a lesbian..

At various points in life, I’ve been attracted to pretty much every star in the gender galaxy – male-identified crossdressers, twinks, femme girls, leather daddies, boys, bois, and everyone beyond.
I still have that potential to fall in lust with people of any gender; but in the end, I love boys most of all – either cis or trans; it doesn’t matter to me, because a cute boy is a cute boy. And I also like other people who happen to resemble cute boys3. Despite this preference, though, the idea of IDing as ‘straight’ seems outlandishly bizarre to me.

The label doesn’t fit me at all, especially considering the fact that (from time to time) I’m attracted to men in a way that deviates from the traditional, heterosexual boy-girl dynamic. If I were to wrestle some cute little twink to the ground and fuck him senseless4, for example, it wouldn’t feel ‘straight’ to me at all.

..and sometimes, even when I’m on my back being fucked, I still don’t feel straight5. If anything, I feel like my lust for boys is more similar to that of a gay man than that of any woman; but since I’m not a dude, I feel perfectly fine settled down in this murky inbetween-ness.

1. In case you hadn’t picked up on this already, I love queer men. Adore them, in fact. In a deeper, more meaningful sense than the borderline offensive, ‘let’s go shopping!’ faghaggery you might see on Will & Grace. I don’t crudely stereotype gay men as swishy mall-goers and hairdressers; but I do find gay men intensely hot in a way I can’t quite describe, and I want to fuck them. In fact, were I  male, I’m sure I’d be quite gay.

2. ‘might or might not be’ is important here. Having a certain set of chromosomes or anatomical features doesn’t negate anyone’s manhood.

3. Of course, I’m definitely not one to stomp all over someone else’s identity – lots of the people who turn me on don’t necessarily identify as male, so I’d be loathe to force labels on people who don’t want them, which is some part of why I don’t see myself as ‘straight’.

4. and unsurprisingly, this is something I’d actually like to do.

5. ‘Queer’ doesn’t feel quite accurate, either. If I were to tell people that I’m queer, they’d just assume that it were a fancy way of saying that I’m primarily into girls, and that’s not the case.

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~ by fistfulofsunshine on September 9, 2009.

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